Can you answer yes to any of these questions?
Did you grow up in a difficult environment? (poverty, abuse, drugs, street crime, sickness, dysfunctional family…)
Do you live in a difficult environment currently?
Have you lost loved ones?
Have you taken care of a loved one with a life threatening or long term illness or have you had one?
Do you have children with a long term illness or drug abuse?
Did you have more positive or negative role models or influences growing up?
Do you feel your whole life is based on a lie?
Did you have a family member or have you been incarcerated?
Have you wondered where your next meal was going to come from, or where you would be able to sleep that night, or if you could pay any of your bills?
These are just a few reasons I can think of that someone could say that they have had difficulties in their lives. If you did answer yes, how have you responded to your situation? Have you been resilient?
I have been thinking about resilience quite a bit lately. Am I teaching my kids to persevere, and bounce back during hard times? Or am I teaching them either through my example or by coddling allowing them to be whiners who can not get themselves through a difficult experience. Do I even have resilience myself?
The funny thing about the most resilient people in my life is that they have lived through several things on the list and yet they do not think that they have had a hard life. They see other people as having gone through much more than themselves. Most of the people that I would describe as not very resilient have had to go through far less, but perceived their situation as horribly bad. They think everyone has it better and are not able to see past their immediate problem. So before going on, decide if your problems are real or perceived.
What is resilience? It is defined by Webster’s as “capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture b: tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”.
What are some of the qualities of resilient people? I think they have developed an innermost motivation that allows them to persevere. They have a hope that carries them through the bleak times. They find their encouragement in what truly matters to them. They are survivors, who do not let obstacles and trials be the definition to their existence. They have an inner strength that renews their spirit and helps make them feisty conquerors. There is a true sense of elasticity that helps them to bounce back on track after being delivered tough defeat.
The story of Naomi found in the book of Ruth is one of resilience. She lost her husband, and both sons to death. She had nothing but the desire of her daughter-in-law Ruth to join her when she returned home. This was a great encouragement, but I am sure she felt responsibility for her. She could have lived the rest of her life in morning but she chose to help Ruth make decisions to improve her life. The end result was seeing Ruth marry and Naomi was able to care for her grandson Obed. She also became an important link in the genealogy of David and Jesus because of her resilience.
Look at the story of Joseph. He was hated by his brothers to the extent he was sold in slavery. God was with him and he was successful in everything he did, but he was still a slave and was falsely accused and thrown in prison. He continued to serve and do right by God and rose to a position of greatness that eventually saved the brothers that hurt him. He persevered, God helped him to be resilient and he was rewarded.
Just like these Bible characters, we too will be restored. God will help us to persevere and be resilient through our trials. It is when we are most powerless that He can be the strongest in our lives. We must trust in Him and He will be our encouragement, motivation, inner strength, elasticity, and our hope. It is through God that we persevere and are able to be survivors.
35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35-39
Think about the qualities you possess that help you to be resilient. I would like to know what you would add to the list.
Kathy
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19 comments:
When I think of resilience I always think of a basketball. Sometimes it gets slammed so hard, it flattens on one side and bounces up a bit off kilter but it still bounces back. And sometimes the bounce is not as high as it once was. Sometimes the slam is so hard it pushes all the air out and the ball barely rolls as if struggling, but all it takes is a fresh breath to get it bouncing again.
Personally, I've been in every bounce stage but enjoy the dribble the best. :)
Peace
Neva
James I'd better not see any comments referring to dribbling and age on here. :)
n
I was raised in dysfunction and looking back see numerous ways that God was with me and helped me. I could point out numerous things (that I would rather not get into) that happened or didn't happened that would have made my life much more difficult.
I am going to toss a monkey wrench because I need advice. I never thought about my childhood, whined about, worried about it. I have always considered myself blessed.
but it did affect me, I survived it with scars. I survived it by avoiding it to some extent. I think it would have affected me more, maybe even controlled me without me thinking about how ugly it was.
I think I needed to recognize and accept how difficult it was, then give it to God (I am working on it) instead of putting it aside.
does that make sense?
any thoughts?
Brian,
Maybe you could not only recognize the difficult times but also investigate or ask God to show you how they can be used to expand your ministry? There are folks out there that truly need someone who can relate to them and give them hope as one who has not only survived but thrived.
Life experience + knowledge= wisdom.
Just my thoughts
Neva
Don't you think a man with one leg would immediately feel a bond to another man with one leg? Our scars are no different.
thank you, Neva, and yes that is true. and my past has already helped me in my ministry, and even my blog on depression has benefited some.
Brian & Neva, Thank you for your openness. I am sure that none of us wants to dwell on things from the past.
When I was younger some times I saw with a different perspective than I do now. It is like the old cliche that says we didn't know we were poor. Sometimes we can't bear to see the whole truth.
I have my share of scars, some of them self inflicted. Life hands us challenges and at times the decisions are hard to make.
I am not sure where all Kathy will take us but resilience is about getting up when we fall down and changing course when we realize we are on the wrong road. Sometimes, I need help to get up. Sometimes (alright, alot of the time) I need directions and help form others.
One of those fancy terms in psychology is locus of control. Is it external or internal. External is when everything is based on what is going on outside you. Internal is based from within. Both can be taken to extreems. There is the whole 'boot strap' mentality and then the 'carry me'. As a Christian both are false. I bear responsibility to do what God has for me to do but it is not my efforts but His that sees me through.
Neva, you're right it is about allowing God to use your brokenness.
James
I tend to have valley's and mountain top levels in my daily walk with God. Right now I'm in a valley. I don't like valleys! But I do realize that I do my best growing with God in a valley. I guess it is how you handle the valleys that count. I used to think I did a pour job while in my valley, then after climbing to the top again I would look back and see I hadn't done so badly after all. Actually I think it is because my Savior does most of the work in the valleys.
Monalea,
I think you are right. Phoenix is known as the 'valley of the sun' and that is where I think I did a lot of growing in one of the biggest valleys of my life. However, I love the city and would love to return.
Neva,
Great example with the basketball, I think I'll use it sometime.
Brian,
I think recognizing is a great start. I also think forgiveness is a key after you accept it. Please keep up the comments, you made me think all afternoon. And I appreciate what you drew out of James.
Kath
Kathy
what if there isn't really anyone to blame or forgive? or at least, I don't view it that way. but I am frustrated with life, who I am because of how I was raised?
Monalea, The reason we grow most in the valleys is because there we are most dependent on God. He likes that--He likes to provide everything for us--for us to totally rely on Him. When things are the worst, we are helpless and we need Him.
Brian, I agree, I am not sure it is a matter of forgiveness, more of frustration. I believe God likes people like us---people who carry with them scars and wounds, whether self-inflicted or perpetrated upon ---He knows that the wounded, frustrated, helpless, scarred ones are the ones who more readily accept His help and can more easily testify about Him. If we were all whole, coming from a totally functional, healthy family, without scars and wounds, self-esteem intact, we would be tempted to believe we are self-sufficient, something our creator never intended us to be.When on top, the tendency is look down---God would have us always looking up--always.
Just my thoughts,
humbly sharing your frustrations and saying a prayer for us all,
Peace
n
ps--the old man is dead, the new is growing up in the Lord, the "raising" that is molding and shaping you right now is what makes you His.
James and Kathy,
Sorry for the sermon :)
Love you my friends
n
Amen, to all the different comments.
Sometimes the forgiveness needs to be aimed at ourselves. At times, depression is anger turned inward. There are times when we just face life. We may resent it, but there is no one to blame or forgive.
Blame is an interesting word. Kathy and I were talking about these rich kids that made millions by a very early age. Where is my part of that pie? Not all of us have the same opportunities. I had some opportunities when I was younger and could have maybe developed those to the point of financial stature. But I didn't. I used to be able to write in three programming languages. I did not keep up with that. We just make choices. My dad was speaking of a person one time and said dometimes the best complement you can give is they did the best with what they had.
The 'Valley' is certainly true. But rememeber, "Mygrace is sufficient, my power is made perfect in weakness".
Kathy you asked about how we are resilient. One word that come to mind is contentment. I am learning to be content.
James
I have seen concerns and discussions about contentment all over the blogosphere lately.
Lamentations 3:22-24
"the LORD is my portion"
not even the most recognizable portion of the passage, but an important part.
James explained what I meant by forgiveness.
You are right Neva about needing to look up to God. Thank you for your sermon.
I want to explain that the concept of resilience has been on my mind for the last month or so. This series is a collection of some of those thoughts and my trying to make sense of why some people seem to be more resilient than others. I want to be able to bounce back better than I have been and I want to teach my kids to do this. Honestly, Josh is a very tightly wound person that will face a lot more if he doesn't learn how to keep swimming when the water gets deep.
Brian, you raise a good question about what if there is no one to forgive, I have just found in my life that if it isn't anyone else then usually it is me that I need to forgive so I can move on.
Please keep your comments coming everyone, they are very helpful to me in my journey.
Kathy
this quote by Lily Tomlin is a good one and relevant to our discussion...
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."
Wow. I've never heard that quote. It's amazing how true that is -- that we all wish our past had been better, and we dwell on it, as if we could make it better.
Okay, I'm here. :) Bear with me, this may be long and boring ...
When I first read this post, I felt cut to the heart. I mean, I can't answer yes to A-N-Y of your questions ... yet I make myself a victim nearly every day. I look at my life, in which I am very blessed, and all I see is the small amount of suffering I've been through at the hands of my husband (maybe not real directly, and definitely mostly imagined) and I act like it's the end of my world, like I'd rather just die so I don't have to go through this anymore and so I can be with God instead. What a hypocrite and drama queen and so-not-Christian I feel like!!
I say and act like I have been closer to God in the past few years because my husband has not been so reliable, yet my attitude toward my husband indicates that I don't have the right relationship with my God either. I really do lean harder on God, but what good is that if I then turn around and resent Dan and don't respect him and treat him the way I should?
Okay, so enough of that ...
What you said about Josh, Kathy, reminds me a bit of my son. Does Josh get upset if he's trying to write or draw something & it's not coming out right (or maybe a similar example in another setting)? I've wondered how I can teach my son to do his best yet not beat himself up over every small mistake.
I've really enjoyed reading all your comments, I wish I had read them earlier. I am actually in tears. I don't know if it has partly to do with the late hour messing with my emotions, but I was very moved by what you've all said. I know God is trying to teach me to be more resilient; maybe I've never been tested much before because He knew I wouldn't have handled it well.
For the record, I'm trying to not make my marital difficulties public knowledge, so I believe this is the only blog where I'm revealing so much ... just so you know where it's okay to talk about it. (Thanks!)
Josh is exceptionally competitive and is capable of playing games like hand and foot (an adult card game) but even though he understands how to play, he does not understand when he loses. We play a lot of his level games with him to help with this. However, we also play Star Wars Trivial Pursuit and get whipped by him. He is learning to not make a mountain out of everything, but he is now withdrawing when he does not do his best. Wrestling is another example of how if he is not the best than he withdraws. Again, it is teaching him how to deal with ups and downs. As my sister said once, "learning a big man lesson in a little boy body."
Also, my goal is to help us all grow as individuals and with God. Maybe you could print out the article and share it with your husband and your thoughts about it?
Kathy
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